| interlude |
[03 Jan 2007|05:58am] |
sometimes i wish i wasn't such an insomniac. but sometimes i wish that i would take the time to write more. so i guess it all works out when i'm sleepless and find that my head is full of nonsense.
too much has happened in the last couple of months, i cannot even begin to recognize the meaning of half of it at this point. it can best be summed up with a line from steve - "stuff like that just shouldn't happen to people in real life." but, i think, for the first time i have a legitimate regret. i have something i honestly say that i would reverse if i could go back and do so. i'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, or whether or not that just means that i have had the opportunity to learn an awful lot (and that i did). i knew what happened would turn something in my life drastically wrong. although i feel better about everything, although i smile everyday and mean it whole-heartedly, when emotionally approached - sometimes - the feeling looms back and seems to absorb any sense of rationality i have. it's fucking frustrating.
there are a pair
of
bright eyes
that have caught me
midway
between picking up the pieces
and matching the patterns
from what is left
of what has been
broken
by another pair
that seemed to be just like
they are
shiny - sure & simple
they watch
when
i reach so quietly
so hesitantly
at the fragments which
already
belong to me
i wish them not to notice
already
my weakness[es]
outside of their disguise
outside of their order
they know
that i know
how colors can change
be caught
changing [within them]
beneath the light of circumstance
of coincidence
of influence
and every
other
reason
that has always seemed so insignificant to me
i look
i search
for consistency
through them
blinking
flashing
spelling
words
phrases
whispers
shouting
under lashes of glances
and glares matched
with breath
heavy breath
softness within heated vision
reflecting
bravery in the light of circumstance
despite coincidence
despite influence
with every reason that
has become my every passion for inflation
to a heavy hearted set of lungs
set for exhaustion
from running
all
this
time;
truth
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| it's not your fault, so please stop your crying now |
[05 Oct 2006|12:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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music |
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john mayer - continuum |
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iiii don't even know where to start. let's break it down, real easy: 1 roommate + 1 (in)significant other = 2 lies. all i have to say to this one is fuck you (both).
everything else has been o.k. otherwise. xx. we just can't decide what to do with her... or in the meantime what to do with ourselves. if the roses weren't so pretty, i'd light them on fire.
. . . i need my car back.
(&&i'm falling more in love with every word i withhold) there is a boy in this building who is unaware that i like him, a little ;) maybe i'll leave him a random note that says "hey, you're cute." or something. i know something like that would make me smile (or, really creep me out...lol) he seems normal. i like normal. cute, not too cute. confident, but humble. btw, i lied about the not too cute part.. but i like being single. single forever, bitches. <3
. . . yeah, i really need my car back so i can get the hell out of this place when i need to. . .
i love you holly & melissa. thanx for being strong with me..[if lovin was easy, it wouldn't be love]
yeah, we'll get through it. with tears&beers. minus melissa. lol. just tears for melissa. melissa is the mom, and we love her for it.xx
for us:
i hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
there's things you need to hear, so turn off your tears and listen
pain throws your hope to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won't all go the way it should
but i know the heart of life is good
you know it's nothing new
bad news never had good timing
but the circle of your friends
will defend the silver lining
pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won't all go the way it should
but i know the heart of life is good
fear is a friend who's misunderstood
but i know the heart of life is good
you guys are my be fries.
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[20 Sep 2006|11:44pm] |
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| i try to keep it simple. |
[13 Aug 2006|09:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
i have a strange feeling that this may be one of my longest journal entries ever. here's goes nothing, i've got alot to say.
so, there's this guy i met a few weeks ago, through an old friend that i hadn't recently planned on becoming such better friends with. he is her roommate, he came here from florida, they are living together in her house at the moment, in hopes of saving up and getting there own place elsewhere. their relationship, despite a couple random drunken nights, is (as far as i know) completely platonic, and it has to be, because he has a girlfriend. i'm not his girlfriend, although, i met her the other day. this is where it becomes complicated.
until i met his girlfriend, she knew nothing about me except perhaps my name, and what i looked like, through myspace. little does she know, how involved in eachother's lives that we really are. talk about a ripple effect. she seems like a really smart, sweet girl, and to think that she is completely ignorant of what has been happening lately is completely absurd.
so here we are, and if you haven't already figured it out, he has to make a decision. he has three choices: her, me or neither... with each choice bearing it's own set of consequences. but time is running short as my patience is running thinner while i become restless. and i'm surprisingly apathetic to the outcome. i've been feeling quite numb to everything around me lately. i think it's the result of really having my heart torn out and experiencing nothing more traumatizing in these situations, which should be completely fucking with my emotions. it doesn't seem, or feel, all that bad to me. for once in my life, i've gotten what i wished for in being able to "let go, and not care" but i can't help but hate feeling so disconnected. it's become difficult for me, apparantly, to recognize the very core of my feelings and what they mean. so i'll sit here and shrug my shoulders, waiting for the next phase.
i guess there are worse things in life. the he said, she said, they did, when, where, how... is inescapable. it's time to come to terms with the fact that i'll be dealing with that bullshit for the rest of my life. so am i searching for the comfort of a steady relationship, or am i searching for the love i need to feel whole? it doesn't seem like you can have the whole package. what a dream come true it would be to find someone genuine, that would actually care about me, who just happened to be male.
i'm trying to push forward. to push past all of the negativity. but it's so hard in times of trial to resist the pressure to run back to what you know, or, what you knew. a little pain is better than alot of pain, and that's where i headed today (at least, in my head). i don't think i've ever missed you so much. i spent half of the day in adoration and memories, the other half and sporadicly so, was spent in denial and regret.
what happened to us? what happened to you? where are you and what are you doing? you're probably with her. you probably loved her so much, and you probably still do. i can't wait to see you again. i can't wait to get back to the normal craziness. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for betraying you. i'm sorry, but i still can't trust you. i'm sorry, i still have not forgotten you. and yeah, i can still see it when i look at you. i can still feel it. i can still hold it deep inside, it still finds me. what did you do to me? what am i doing to myself? what one person in this world means more to you than anyone?
the silence is killing me.
i need you.
but you'd never listen.
you'd never believe me.
you know me better than i know myself and you know i'll be fine.
i wish you didn't see my strength.
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[10 Jul 2006|01:18am] |
Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again
Cause I fear I might break
and I fear I can't take it
Tonight I'll lie awake feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Now that I'm losing hope
And there's nothing else to show
For all of the days that we spent
Carried away from home
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Without you
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
You're better off without me
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| like vines |
[21 Jun 2006|02:28am] |
it's been another soul searching tuesday night, i guess. i feel i have nothing more productive to do than write it all down (or in this case, type it all out).
a couple of days ago, i think i saw mike and the new "love of his life" in passing on main street, riding on his bike. i was heading home from somewhere irrelevant and saw two outlines; one that i knew very well, another i was very unaccustomed to. it completely hit me in the wrong way. in any attempt to feel sane, i said, to myself: "jesus christ jen, you don't even want him. what's wrong with you. pull yourself together." seeing him (and her) made me feel, sort of, foolish. and than it hit me. there i was, sitting in my car, feeling stupid for being alone. the last thing i thought i'd be doing after the wake of a two year waste would be waiting, but life is crazy and my heart is torn, but taken, once again.
i miss school, and the blanket of friends that it offered. it's still there, but it's scattered all around in pieces. everyone is many minutes away, instead of a walk down the street. this summer, luckily, has already brought me many opportunites to see them though, whether it be meeting at the cape, driving to new hampshire, or spending the day floating in the lake or laying on the beach. i can honestly say, that this is one of the first times in my life that i can say i feel comfortable, once again. i have come so far, from who i was. i'm changing, and i like it. i've got a strong backbone of people who care about me, and it makes me strong and confident. thanks.
the other day chris came to leicester to visit. it was surprising to me, that he actually made the trip considering all of the somewhat trivial excuses he's been handing me for weeks now. it was a relaxing day of swimming around in plastic tubes, talking and tanning. there's a certain "bubble" effect that seems to create a little world we have when we hang out. we can talk about anything and everything for hours, in fact, we'd rather do that than snuggle up and watch a movie. real things, like crazy moms and life goals are far more interesting anyway. i've been looking for this for awhile. i can completely be myself, let myself laugh. i feel like i haven't been myself for a very long time. good friends make good conversations, and good conversations are so valuable.
i keep returning to something my sister said a long time ago: that finding someone you can truly connect with and trust is rare. in essense, it's become a journey for me to find that. any place i can. i was never meant to be an island, nor do i wish to be. sometimes, i don't think my sister knows that when i say she is my hero that i really mean it. she is so fair, and truthful; she exemplifies exactly what i want to become - grounded and realistic. i hope she knows that for everyday she wakes up and sees herself imperfectly that the rest of world can't help but notice the strength that makes her beautiful. she has more heart that anyone i've ever known. she's amazing.
*
in a field outside of town, we could always be alone
carry a blanket, maybe a basket - and that's it
innocence was the key
i was locked up never free
until you turned me
like vines we intertwined
carelessly growing up and growing old
life was on our tongues
and it tasted heavenly so good
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| what a trip. |
[15 Jun 2006|06:23pm] |
2 and a half hours each way, the cape. this information becomes more relevant towards the end of the night, into the early morning. it was complete coincidence that we happened to be going down to the cape on the same day, for the same night (or was it?) after an "ill call you tomorrow" the night before, i figured we'd be meeting up at some point. sometimes i really hate my cell phone and the way it interrupts my life, but, today i didn't really care. i was up for interruptions and learning the roads of the cape, all in order to meet up with a certain "him" who was at a party in chatham, a ritzy town about 25 minutes from yarmouth. i hadn't seem him since the end of the semester, move out day. this should be interesting.
julia couldn't stay the night, because of family/work complications, and so we had a dilemma. dd's can't drink, and one of us would be driving. she got drunk anyway, and made a fool of herself. i can't tell her how to control herself, but it becomes an issue when it makes me look bad...
the night wasn't all that bad, though.
i was kissed on the beach, that's a first. and i also got to see my first lighthouse, at night. i wish i had shared the same clarity that the sky saw, however. everything just became foggy and exhausting, under a veil of purposely vague and riddling words that seemed to only be strung into sentences that could be flipped around to mean a million different things. amidst julia's journey, she had asked theguyatthetime about me, about him, and seemed to find it appropriate to share with me that he had "been laid." i never asked her to pry for information, in fact, it was the last thing i needed. fun stuff, i decided at that point not to turn my car around and drive back there to spend the night with a guy too concerned with himself to be anything but completely selfish.
495 was quiet and discerning. it gave me way too much time to think, and i only ended up ringing myself around a mess of what he said, what i did and what it all meant. what would i tell myself this time? just keep driving and don't look back. the bright lines and green signs couldn't pass quick enough. there's something about surrendering that seems so cowardly, but at the same time seems should be empowering. i'm missing the whole "power" part in feeling so foolish. i pick myself apart to try to fix something that isn't broken.
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[14 Jun 2006|01:46am] |
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let me let go. thats all i have to say.
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[02 Jun 2006|02:35am] |
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but the best birthday gift is what i may never get.
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| shelter me, oh, genius words |
[17 May 2006|06:02pm] |
and if you aren't getting answers, ask better questions!
what on earth am i doing? i feel so stagnant, stationery. i've never been more certain of what it is i want, and what it is i feel - despite the uncertainty of the situation. i think it's making me stand still, for once. i've certainly needed to practice patience, and here's the perfect opportunity.
anyway, my tentative birthday party plans for the 2nd have been, once again, interupted by the all-consuming force within this particular household, known as my mother's fiance. while my mother said "sure," his "absolutely not" turned the tables and in attempts to satisfy the beast (and the property he owns), i've decided to move it - somewhere other than his house (that i just happen to live in). what an ass. the saddest part, is that it would have been easier to pull this off at school. the whole "underage drinking" thing doesn't seem to sit well with him, although he has himself a birthday party everyday and spends his nights passed out on the floor.
i see my mother becoming more and more unhappy, and "backed into a corner" - as she likes to say. in the brevity of her new youth post-divorce, she spent all of her money on toys (jet skis, snowmobiles, etc.) and is now left with little to her name. she's unhappy with him, period, but is persistent in reminding herself to "shut up, valerie, at least you have a place to live." i really can't blame her for thinking that. maybe it's only my youthful ignorance, but i have no other tactfully logical advice to give her. there was always something that kept me from allowing myself to build a promising relationship with him. i told my mother this the last time we talked. i referred to my latest ex-boyfriend when i expressed how i couldn't understand how a man can walk away from a woman who is crying, begging for affection, validation. it's so incredibly selfish. maybe that is the true difference between men and women, the ability to forget compassion.
she's been noticably snappy lately. but i understand, and brush it off. she knows that i'll always be there, to give her a hug or some comforting words. she'd never snap at him that way, without reason.
she's been seeing some type of counselor, her own age, that she seems to find alot of validation in. she came home today and said "that always takes so much out of me." but i think it's a good exhaustion, she looked brighter afterward. i called her on her way to see her counselor, to pout about my $500 dollar bill for my car repairs. can i get a kiss with that? cuz i like to be kissed while i'm getting fucked.
papa & vergie are coming up for a trip to the cape next weekend. i've been invited to explore hyannis. i dont know, i think i'd rather take a double shift at work.
here's to a short, but beautiful summer, full of sunshine and laughter, light-heartedness and humor. i miss you, assumption college, and all i've come to appreciate within your gates. i miss all you guys, really. xoxo. i can't wait to see ya in the fall... (some of you, i hope to see even sooner!)
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[15 May 2006|12:11am] |
jenniferxrose: jason or jude?
shy that way xo: omg i hate you.
jenniferxrose: jude.
shy that way xo: can i have both?
shy that way xo: at the same time?
shy that way xo: or like a tag team sort of thing?
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[10 May 2006|09:40pm] |
talking with holly the other day, we decided that the most important things we've learned this year had nothing to do with classes. in reflection on this, i decided to make a list:
1. i'm not a morning person unless i'm going to 8am breakfast with chrissy
2. no matter how "in-shape" you are, everest will always get ya.
3. nault isn't so bad, after all.
4. sometimes we can mistake comfort for love.
5. sometimes we can mistake lovers for friends.
6. bible class, was, as bad as i expected.
7. sometimes all it takes is a good run at the gym and a night with the girls to fix all your problems.
8. stay away from boys who are shot-gunning beers.
9. keep the windex away from dan.
10. keep your empties in the top part of your closet.
11. let your fridge thaw out before you move out.
12. dont try to fit your fridge AND tv in the backseat of your car unless you've got a strong guy.
13. make your two twins into a king. it's worth it.
14. oh's are good at any time of day <3
15. don't ever talk about "the future" when you're wasted.
16. sex with jennifer is fruity, sweet and amazing.
17. it's okay to hate your best friend when she gets to meet jason mraz... really. it's okay.
18. facebook should be called shitfacedbook.
19. myspace is still over-rated.
20. you can't buy a car battery with less than 10 dollars and some change.
21. my car, CAN, make it through a muddy bog.
22. "you made a mess!"
23. don't always believe break up lines - "i'll always love you..." etc.
24. always follow your heart
25. cherish your nicknames (aka NG, jenfa, etc.)
26. it's okay to hold hands with your best friend.
27. it's even okay to kiss your best friend. (sometimes)(for money)(lol)(or booze)
28. dashboard shows can be boring.
29. i'm really good at beer pong.
30. riding in the car with lindsey is like a scary carnival ride.
31. there are two types of smart.
32. dedicating a day to ducks is kinda fun.
33. sometimes a sad song can make you smile.
34. cherish the friends that'll take care of you even when you're lost in a stairwell.
35. powersurges + AM finals = fire alarms at 9am.
36. never put yourself in the position to eat lunch with the guy you like, and his best friend (that you hooked up with).
37. never hook up with the best friend of the guy you like.
38. ever.
39. never underestimate yourself.
40. anything can happen, and usually does.
41. new hampshire is a beautiful place.
42. breaking up hurts.
43. moving on hurts.
44. being free is worth it all.
45. don't let anyone compare you to a dessert.
46. don't skip (too many) classes.
47. you can get 10 AC parking tickets before you really get in trouble.
48. "give me the 75$ worth of parking tickets, just don't tow my car."
49. take life straight, without chasers.
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| the end of a fantastic year |
[09 May 2006|04:56pm] |
i am officially a sophomore in college. %$@#!*
i response to the "end of freshman year" sentimentality, i believe it's time for the 2006 list of people appreciation...
in no particular order:
lindsey - my one constant best friend, always. you are my anchor, and are always on the end of my 4am emergency heartbreak calls. the only girl i've ever loved... i love you!
melissa - this whole year i've been trying to find something that you embody so well, patience. thank you for being such a great friend when no one else wanted to listen to me senseless babble.
holly - a little piece of home at school. i have no words to describe the amazing time i've had with you this year, we laughed way too much and that's a great thing.
chrissy - my open-relationship facebook girlfriend! talk about a perfect combination, it's us. you cried with me as much as we tried to burn off those calories and love you for your constant support. rock-hard-abs. yeah. <3
dan - hey buddy, let's get wasted and drink windex. all of the "uh-oh's" of this year, including the fire extinguisher incident, and getting stuck in the middle of worcester at some guys apartment, gave us some pretty great memories. thanks for being my personal party chaperone :)
joe - spanish class buddy who selflessy broughy me juice drinks and helped me to answer questions. i couldn't have done it without you helping me laugh at sra. warren. thanx.
colin - heart to hearts. its all i have to say <3
julia - my new 2006 llc roomie. i can't wait to make some new inside jokes and talk about how much we hated bible class and fisher. you're a crazy bitch, and you know it.
gerard - i won't lie, it's been a tough year with you. it all came together at the end though and i still love you as much as i did first semester. i dont care if you dont feel like being a great friend sometimes, because i'll always be there for ya.
chris - amazing oh's, spanish study sessions and candlelight prayer. you're so gorgeous and you know it. <3 thanks for hiking up everest to see me.
jen b. - you know way too much about me, and i know way to much about you. we have WAY too much in common. thanks for letting me borrow hot sandals, and earrings. have a wonderful summer.
al- jen miller!! i love hearing that. you're always there to put a big smile on my face. really. thanks.
to be continued soon...
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[09 May 2006|04:52pm] |
you can go heavy on me & i will not weigh you down.
i promise.
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[25 Apr 2006|01:54am] |
it occured to me tonight that i certainly don't love you,
but i could
and i certainly dont need you,
but i would
when you find that feeling you've been waiting for
when you find those eyes that mirror your own
its hard to go on without knowing whether or not
your heart will remain alone
the thought excites my every whim
makes my hope become hopelessly unacceptable
and irrefutably brilliant with charm
and dreams come true
day dreams turned fantasy realities
when you really start believing
that it all could happen
that an entirely warming feeling could stay
for more than a night
it warms more than you
it warms your world
turning every tedium into fuzzy pastels and bright sharps
the wind blows warmer
the earth turns faster
and the hours of the night
race against the slowness of thought
composure is relentessly unforgiving
in its apt struggle for freedom
against the things that you may never know
time is running out
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| kiss her, kiss her |
[24 Apr 2006|12:52pm] |
omgYOU ARE so CUTE when you smile& i just can't get over it.
that is all.
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[19 Apr 2006|03:18am] |
(insert name) is the most ridiculous person that i know. (insert possesive pronoun) is outstandingly hurtful, unnecessarily cruel and the only thing that amazes me more than the absurdity of (insert possesive pronoun) face is (insert possesive pronoun) undying arrogance.
don't we all want to be like (insert name)?
get a grip... hit the gym... and get off of your pedastle.
your arrogance will only get you so far.
you're an asshole and that's all there is to it.
have a nice life.
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[16 Apr 2006|03:32pm] |
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you, my love, are a dream boat.
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| so this is what we're up against... |
[15 Apr 2006|01:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
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numb |
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music |
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tbs- makedamnsure |
] |
face it.
i have more feelings for you than i will ever choose to admit, or recognize (outside of myself). and i think that you choose to ignore the fact that you know i do. (i think you also choose to ignore the fact that you do, too.) maybe it's just a hunch. maybe i should just listen to you, but i'm going to listen to myself this time. telling me your entire truth would help, but i think i already know what you're feeling, and what you would say. so this is my official apology to you. i'm sorry that i hurt you.
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jenniferxrose's journal